Fear and the need to be better
The last couple of weeks have been such a challenge for me. Something is changing in our home and lately, my toddler son is really needy. There’s this constant battle of him wanting ‘mommy’ time and me wanting ‘me’ time to work on the business. It’s makes me sad because I feel like I’m not giving enough to him and not giving enough to the business (which is our future). Really, I just feel like I’m not giving enough to any parts of my life and here I am trying my best to juggle work-life-balance. This morning, I realized something… I push myself so hard to be ‘better at that’, whatever ‘that’ is. I need to be a better parent, I need to be better at my blog, I need to be better at writing my book, I need to be better at social media, I need to be a better wife, I need to be a better person, I need to be a better speaker. I realized that I’m drowning myself in “I need to be better at that” and all I need to do is pay attention to the ‘now’ and not push myself so hard. I’m not sitting around on my ass doing nothing. I’m utilizing my time the best I can. I set limits for myself where limits shouldn’t be and it’s time to reframe again.
We have a full time nanny which stayed on with us even after I left my full time as a software developer. It’s not really working out so well in so many ways. She’s here full time but yet, I still spend most of my day taking care of our kids even when she’s here. What’s up with that? Part of it is her fault, part of it is my fault. So I know there’s going to be a big change there, where possibly less is more? Hire someone part time so I can do my work and then devote more structured time to the family. It would definitely help with the finances, help with the kids getting more ‘mommy’ time, we could rent out our basement and I could focus on the business during a more structured time. Hmmm… sounds good. My husband and I are sitting down this week and figuring out the budget. Figuring out how the numbers work so we can build towards our future. To be honest, I hate looking at the numbers because I’m not someone that spends more than I have so have never really felt the need to do that. It’s easy for me to trust the Universe that we will be provided for because I’ve always done that and it’s always worked out. My husband on the other end of the spectrum, worries constantly about the future and how we can afford to live on one income until I start making an income. I’ve actually been mad at him numerous times for being worried when I wasn’t (and I am still paying the same bills since leaving my full time job) but I took the step forward to just honor him and his concerns, instead of fighting him over it and I can see it as a blessing in disguise.
I’ve come to realize that the ‘need to be better’ at something is my falling back on ‘control’ and not trusting in the Universe. I also realize that the initial need also stemmed from lack of trust and adding to what I need to do now just because I was not being trusting that all things will work out.
I am going to ‘fall back’ on trusting the Universe and staying on top of what absolutely has to get done ‘now’.
What are some ways that you are adding to your workload just because of a fear of not doing enough for your future? What would happen if you scaled some of those plans back or postponed them to a better timeline?
Keep loving and learning and making a difference, however big or small!
Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears. – Arthur Koestler #quotes
— Lucia Griesbach (@fearlessmommies) February 19, 2014